One day while lying in bed with some nude nubile nannies, I was asked the following question: "Why do guys like boobs so much?" I opened my mouth to speak and found I had no answer. This bevy of beautiful babes had stumped me. What is it about breasts that are so enticing? I decided to launch a straight-up sexy assault to find out. And yes, part of the reason I'm writing this is to post several pictures of ladies' puppy-pillows. Is that a slang-term for breasts? I'll be honest, I'm a little out of the loop on colloquialisms these days.
These don't look like breasts at all...
In order to begin my research I decided to head to Facebook to find out what the common people thought. Because I'm so popular and have millions upon millions of friends and admirers I decided to post the following as a status update via Twitter:
Research Question: why do most men seem to love boobs? Leave your answers/theories/anecdotes in the comments below please...
Most of my friends and admirers must have been busy that day, as I received only three responses. The first response was as follows: "Because they don't have their own. Greedy bastards."
Fair enough. The second response said, "Ask anthony.. Ugh". Anthony, as any loyal reader of this blog knows, is my co-author. Apparently I'm writing this in vain because Anthony already knows the answer. And whomever he's shared this answer with was disgusted by it. However, Anthony rarely knows what he's talking about so I am going to trudge forth with this study anyway.
The final response was this: "Because they are awesome?" This is also the only response from a male. Note the question mark at the end of what should have been the statement. For one, I believe that is indicative of why I only received three responses; As much as men love soft cannons, they're afraid and unsure of them at the same time.
Google image search is really letting me down today...
I stuck with Facebook for one last try as I saw a good friend of mine on Facebook chat and remembered that I had to talk to her about her birthday goings on that day, but also she has breasts. I asked her as scientifically as I could about them and their almost magnetic properties, and she said, "Because they (guys) don't have them." Ah... confirming what an earlier poster said. Playing devil's advocate I asked about fat guys. They have boobs, don't they? "Fat men don't have perky breasts. And it's different on females... They're a completely different shape." Touche my friend. She continued, "Women love breasts too... It's a fact actually. They are just fun to play with." True! Very true! They are fun to play with. I got hung up on this fact while she continued, "I also think it has to do with your attachment to them from childbirth bla bla bla." At this point I was still thinking about how much fun boobs are to play with and signed off.
After some more, uh... research, on a few websites that shall remain anonymous at this point, I found that some of the claims being made by the commoners on Facebook had some validity to them. That is, if you hate peer-reviewed articles. It seems that most scientists focus their energies elsewhere, and not on finding out why fatty bulls-eyes are so intoxicating.
At least that has a woman in the picture...
Instead of respectable, peer-reviewed articles, I decided to settle on more-or-less the first two sites with answers Google gave me. The first one, authored by some dude named Josh Johnson, basically restates the things those Facebookers said. When confronted with the question that stumped me, Josh is ready with a retort, "Actually, the answer to this question is almost unbelievably simple; We like them because they are there, and we don't have them."
As much as I thought Occam's design was the bomb diggity, that might be simplifying the matter a bit too much. What else you got, Josh? "It's hardwired into our brains as infants, men and women alike, that breasts are an important part of our survival. Most of us lived off the damned things at one point in our life, so it's only understandable that we carry a certain fondness for them as grow older."
Well... that was much better actually. However, I can't help but think there's more to it than the facts that evolutionarily we're hardwired to love fleshy balloons and we don't have them. Just those two things don't seem to explain the downright obsessiveness that men, and even our culture, has with them.
THESE ARE FLESHY BALLOONS?! THESE?! OH GOD WHY?!
Moving to a possibly more reputable website, but probably not, I checked out something that was authored by Askmen.com. They break down their reasons quite well, actually. One of the first points that are made is some subconscious psychological reasoning that doesn't have to do with Oedipus. "Breasts hint at a woman's ability to nurture and sustain life. They also point to a woman's capacity to breed, as they signal the onset of puberty." Very true. Despite what my asshole friends like to joke around about, men aren't attracted to pre-pubescent girls. Darwin was even a firm believer in this line of thought, or so I've heard. I mean, it seems like something he would agree with. He loved titties.
The article goes on to state that, biologically, men know that breasts are sensitive and can turn a woman on. "Any good lover knows that a woman's breasts are closely connected to her libidinal zone." I once read in Playboy (yes, I got Playboy for the articles, despite popular belief) that a very small percentage of women can orgasm just from playing with her nipples in the right way. This proves nothing, but sometimes I like to tell anecdotal stories with only tenuous connections to whatever the conversation is about.
Finally, the article argues that men are stimulated visually, while women tend to be stimulated more intellectually. While I don't wholly believe in this statement, their next statement I can agree with: "It's hardly surprising then that breasts, raised and perky as they often are, receive our obsessive attention. After all, apart from genitalia, breasts are a woman's most well-defined physical feature." Basically, boobs stand out. The more they stand out, the more attention men are likely to lavish on a particularly well-bosomed lady.
So there you have it, men like breasts for a variety of reasons. Breasts represent many things to a man, whether that be some unconscious safety-net for the warmth and security of a mother's bosom (not to mention the nutrition), or the fact that they're different from what men are naturally equipped with, or as a sign of fertility, or because they're fun to play with, or simply because on most women breasts stand out, men just kinda like them.
And that, ladies, will never change. Viva la Boobies!
Oh sonofabitch.
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