Preparing to go back in time can be kind of a hassle. Much like taking a long vacation, you must pack accordingly. I grabbed my suitcase and loaded up on my leather pants and silver jackets (because that's what they believed people in the future would be wearing and I didn't want to blow their minds too much), grabbed my toothbrush (but forgot my damn toothpaste - and apparently you can't buy any in the mid-1800's; there were only "tooth powders" that seemed kind of unhealthy), charged up my Blackberry and iPod (in case I had some downtime), made sure my audio recorder worked (so I could have an accurate transcript for you, my dear readers) and sat down to choose a date.
In my 3 1/2 minutes of research I learned that Lincoln and Darwin never met, and were in fact barely aware of each others existences. This would simply not do. I photoshopped some fake invitations to a "World Leadership Conference featuring All the Great Leaders of Science, Politics, and Miscellaneous Things", and packed them away with my iPod. The date would be February 16th, 1861 in Buffalo, New York (my hometown, coincidentally enough). Lincoln would already be staying there on his way to accept the presidency so it would make it that much easier. Darwin wouldn't have shit going on, so he would make it as well. Plus, it was around our birthday. Perfect...
I hopped in my time machine and set the date. I decided it would be a good idea to just time travel my way right to Darwin's residence about a month before the date of the "conference" to drop off the invitation. That would give him enough time to show up. So I did just that and then time traveled to Buffalo.
I appeared in the back alley of the American Hotel on Main St. on Valentines Day, 1861. I reached in my pocket for money to get a room and realized I only had $5 bills. I'm not completely sure, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Lincoln didn't have his picture on American money yet. That would give me away as a time traveler, and I ran the risk of being hung as a witch. Thinking quickly, I realized that I'm an expert in 19th century security systems (there not really being any) and could just break into the hotel, kill one of the inhabitants of a room, and steal his identity. I did just that, and ended up finding myself as Hernando Escobar-Gonzalez, a wealthy merchant from... somewhere.
Hernando was a good man. Until I murdered him and stole his identity.
With the pieces now in place, all I had to do was wait. I stalked around the hotel for those two days, wearing Hernando's ill-fitting clothes and pretending I knew whatever language it was he spoke. Spanish? French? Russian? I couldn't figure it out, and soon had ended up killing in cold blood anyone who seemed like they might have known who he was.
Finally, on the morning of February 16th, 1861, Lincoln walked in with his security. He got a room on a floor and headed up. I thought it best to wait for Darwin. He arrived not long after Lincoln, and I felt the nervous gas of a brilliant plan coming together. I stopped at my room to use the bathroom, and then waited for them to knock on the door for the "conference". I had put 7 p.m. Eastern Time on the invitations, and at around 6:30 p.m. both showed up. I answered the door, turned on my audio recorder, and had the following conversation:
Craig?: First off, let me just say happy belated birthdays.
Lincoln and Darwin: Thank you.
Craig?: So... Mr. President, Mr. Darwin, welcome to the "World Leaders Association Conference for Stuff".
Lincoln: I was under the assumption that this was called the "World Leadership Conference featuring All the Great Leaders of Science, Politics, and Miscellaneous Things".
Craig?: Um... it goes by many names. Regardless, welcome.
Darwin: I'm sorry good sir, but I must ask: What are you wearing?
I was waiting for this question and took it as an opportunity to allow them in on my secret: I am a time traveler.
Craig?: Ah! Excellent question Mr. Darwin! I can see why many worship you and your ideas almost religiously where I come from!
Darwin: And where is that?
Craig?: Well, I come from Buffalo, New York.
Lincoln: We're in Buffalo.
Craig?: Yeah, I know. Let me finish. I'm from Buffalo, New York in the year 2010.
At this point there was a long, awkward silence. Darwin and Lincoln both looked at one another, looked at me, and then just sat. I waited for one of them to say something, but neither seemed capable of digesting the insanely awesome information I had just given them.
Craig?: 2010. You guys caught that, right? I'm from the future.
The Future, as they thought it would look like. Probably.
Again, there was a silence. Darwin stood up and started making his way toward the door.
Craig?: Where are you going?
Darwin: I'm leaving. This is clearly some kind of a joke.
Craig?: But don't you want to know what the future is like? The three of us are the most important figures in World History! At least that's how it is in the year 2162.
Lincoln: I thought you said you were from 2010?
Craig?: I also said I was a time traveler. I'm here now, aren't I? Stop cherry-picking things to call me on.
I heard my door slam and realized that Darwin had gone. My hopes dashed, I thought I would make due with Lincoln. I turned around to find him standing, his 6'3 frame fairly imposing.
Craig?: Well Mr. President, I guess it's just you and I.
Lincoln: My sincerest apologies boy, but I have much more worthwhile things to do with my time.
I stepped in front of him.
Craig?: I don't think so, Mr. President. The 3 people who read my blog in my present, before I'm practically the savior of mankind, want to know what you were really like. Who the man behind the myth really -
At that point Lincoln grabbed me and put me in an arm-bar. The most intense pain I've ever felt shot through my body and I lost control of my bowels. This was the worst possible scenario that could have happened. I passed out from the pain and awoke to find myself in jail. I jimmied the lock (they were pretty simple back then) and escaped to find my time machine. Upon securing it again - murdering several guards in the process - I returned to 2010.
And now here I am, ashamed and beaten for my journalistic failure. However, I hope that my few moments with Lincoln and Darwin gave you a sense of who they were as men, and not as giants of history. I also hope that any time travelers reading this prepare better than I did.
I know I learned that lesson.
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